A few ways to deal with break-ups and heartache

Arguably one of the hardest things in life to deal with, heartbreak never really gets easier no matter how many times you go through it. Sure, you definitely learn what you like and what you don’t as you date new partners… but that makes it all the harder to deal with if it happens again. Most of us put up additional barriers after relationships end, on top of evaluating new candidates on even stricter requirements than before. So if someone passes your evaluation, breaks down these barriers, and then still ends up breaking up with you? It could be one of the worst feelings you ever experience.

So how do you overcome this? Well… it’s not easy. Let’s first look at some of the reasons why heartbreak occurs with the majority of us:

• Broken Trust: The more time you spend with someone, the more you are building a trust factor with them. You are trusting your emotions, personal needs, and sometimes future aspirations with this person. Depending how a relationship ends, this bond could be broken as you now have to reconsider all of your thoughts and feelings towards what you were building with this person. Digging even deeper, there may even be a break in trust with yourself as you question your judgement and how you let this happen/didn’t see it coming/etc.
• Abandonment Issues: Feeling like you’ve been abandoned by this person typically happens if you had included them in decisions and plans you make about your future. There was a dependency on this person to achieve certain goals or to provide certain feelings in your life. Without them to depend on, it is easy to put the blame on this person for leaving you with this void to fill, especially if it didn’t end positively.
• Starting All Over: Possibly a combination of the first two feelings above… the pressure to start all over can be quite overwhelming. It depends on your perspective, but if you were invested in this person for quite a long time, it may feel very daunting to think about single life again. On the surface level, you could have anxiety about being awkward on dates since you’re rusty at flirting… but on a deeper level, there could quite possibly be concerns that you have to now depend on yourself which you may not have done for a while (or ever if you are one to jump from relationship to relationship).
• Timing: This one is quite subjective, as many of us probably will use bad timing as an excuse to validate our feelings for someone (even if they aren’t justified). That being said, it could just be as simple as the right person at the wrong time. The reason this leads to heartache is because you can’t control it and that lack of power is a huge blow to the ego. It also opens up pandora’s box of “what ifs” that you may never be able to answer.

I don’t want to downplay the hurt one can feel after a breakup, as this is quite normal… it means you actually cared for them and what they were able to add to your life. Recognize that, and remember that. Take note of what they did for you that really made you happy so you can find it in the next person. Although, here’s the reality…as time passes, you will slowly forget some of the memories you made together. That can seem sad, but it’s important to remember that this is just one way that your brain is making room for the new memories you’ll make; either with yourself, or with that new partner.

It’s also important to take a quick minute to step back and evaluate how you are on your own. If the thought of being single and alone is unbearable, there’s a good chance that you don’t have have a strong enough foundation of self support to live life independently. Listen, you had a life before this person, and you will have a life after this person is gone. A few things that are easy to say, harder to actually do: start prioritizing things that are important to you. Do things that makes you happy. Set goals for yourself, and make sure you are always putting yourself first. If a partner so happens to fit into these things, then amazing… but that shouldn’t be the basis of your happiness.

Most importantly…what happened, happened. Be angry at it. Cry from it. Just make sure you also learn from it. Time is going to continue to tick, and life goes on… you have to as well. In the moment it may seem like your world is crashing down around you, but I have some good news: there are almost 8 BILLION humans on this earth. That’s a lot of humans, and that means a lot of opportunities to find that next partner that’s going to make you happy again. In no way is heartbreak easy, but use it as a learning experience. This is the perfect excuse to re-focus on yourself, figure out your next steps, and continue building the life you want. The less you form a story around the breakup and just accept it for as it is, two people moving on without each other, the closer you’ll be to writing that fairytale ending in the next relationship.